Chris Pontius: From my experiments with sexiness, it seems like a lot of people are afraid at first and fear usually equals violence. But eventually I'll win their hearts and, instead of fighting, they'll want to make love to me.
Johnny Knoxville: Even the men?
Chris Pontius: Yep.

Chris Pontius: I'm not into bestiality, but that's a good looking animal.

Scott Potasnik: You guys are gonna hate me an hour from now.
Johnny Knoxville: We hate you already.

Johnny Knoxville: I have a full grown, semi-nude man bound with duct tape in my truck and I was trying to get out to the desert to bury him. How do I get to 5 South?

Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn and I'm surrounded by morons.

Johnny Knoxville: You were only about five feet short of a ten foot jump.

Chris Pontius: I wish life were more like a porno movie.

Ryan Dunn: I gotta be horrible at everything, otherwise it just wouldn't be me.

Chris Pontius: My job on the show is to be naked, not kill myself.

Steve-O: I'm sick of the whole pooping thing. I'm gonna go get my butt cheeks pierced together.

Steve-O: I have Your Name tattooed on my ass.

Dave England: I don't mean to toot my own horn but BEEP BEEP!

Bam Margera: Oh, dude! My fucking tailbone is seriously broken! I'm not even kidding!
Ryan Dunn: He broke his tailbone... That's alright. We don't have tails anymore, what's the point of having one?

Johnny Knoxville: So, we've driven an hour north from Miami to Boca Raton, believe it or not, to film Steve-O jump into nine days worth of elephant poo.

Bam Margera: I want you to punch me in the face one second prior to take-off, so that it softens the blow.

Preston Lacy: Um, tonight we're gonna get spanked by a couple of dominatrixes up in 301.
Johnny Knoxville: Dominatrices.
Preston Lacy: Dominatrices? Sorry, my English ain't so good.

Chris Pontius: They say Poland is the Mexico of Europe. I'm not sure of what that means, but I like it.

Johnny Knoxville: [duck hunting] We killed Quack Quack!

Random Person: God bless you.
Chris Pontius: [dressed as Satan] God didn't bless me. He wrote a bunch of fibs about me.

Johnny Knoxville: You're the crappiest human bowling ball I've ever seen!

Johnny Knoxville: There's no such thing as a "pretty good" gator wrestler.

Brandon Dicamillo: And today, good sirs, I will stick my lance far beyond where the light of our world shines, deep into the colon of our enemy. Sir Bam-a-Lot, you will feel a lot of my lance in your ass.

Chris Pontius: Ever since puberty, I've dreamed of being a centerfold in Playgirl.

Johnny Knoxville: In the movie Cool Hand Luke, Paul Newman eats fifty hard boiled eggs in one hour without puking. We didn't think that was possible, so we staged our own little contest to see if any man or woman could eat fifty eggs without puking. Well, one thing... in our contest we encourage puking.

Tony Hawk: I'm seriously going to die right now.

Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my rocket skates!

Johnny Knoxville: I think I'm a little concussed.

Steve-O: You know, it's like when your parents say, "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed". That hurts so much more.

Rick Kosick: This isn't gonna work!
Jeff Tremaine: It might...

Chris Pontius: [to a puma] I don't like him. He's mean.

Johnny Knoxville: Did you see the way I stopped the beanbag with my stomach? That's instinct. You can't teach that.

Chris Pontius: Hi, I'm Bunny the Lifeguard. If any of these alligators try to ruin our swimming, I'm gonna wrestle them down, and probably have my way with them.

Ryan Dunn: You didn't land it.
Johnny Knoxville: My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that one.

Johnny Knoxville: That was my flesh!

Steve-O: That's Danger Ehren a.k.a. "Who?" and that's Dave England a.k.a. "Why?"

Johnny Knoxville: I don't know what happened. I just remember we went in the air and the next thing I know, I'm just... fucked.
Bam Margera: Dude, you were hauling so much ass!

Johnny Knoxville: Rectal bleeding, another first for Jackass!

Johnny Knoxville: Is this the worst you've ever had to go boom-boom?
Dave England: No, man. I shit my pants at the fair.

Ryan Dunn: What a dumbass idea. I'm surrounded by cacti, for fuck's sake!
Spike Jonze: It's cactus!
Ryan Dunn: It's cacti! Whatever it is, it hurts!

Johnny Knoxville: That had bad news written all over it.
Bam Margera: Dunn can't drive for shit.

Johnny Knoxville: There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O! If there's one thing I know, it's good tightrope walking.

Angry Golfer: Didn't I tell you I was going to come over here and kick your ass for that?
Johnny Knoxville: I'm sorry. I've got bursitis.
Angry Golfer: You've got bursitis?
Johnny Knoxville: Yeah.
Angry Golfer: So that means you gotta play with a horn?
Johnny Knoxville: It helps.
Angry Golfer: I'll give you something to play with, pal!

Steve-O: I'm so glad I turned this idea down.

Eric Koston: [after Knoxville grinds a rail] I can't believe he got that far!

Bam Margera: Now these rocket skates are going to be a little different than the last.
Johnny Knoxville: You using different bottle rockets?
Bam Margera: Nope. Just more of 'em.

Johnny Knoxville: What's the quickest you've ever knocked anyone out?
Butterbean: I hold California's state record. About 18 seconds including the ten-count.
Johnny Knoxville: I think you're gonna break that today.

Johnny Knoxville: Is Butterbean okay?

Ehren McGhehey: What's wrong?
Johnny Knoxville: I done fell and busted my ass, that's what's fuckin' wrong!

Johnny Knoxville: I never puke ever, and I really almost puked then!
Chris Pontius: I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself.

Johnny Knoxville: Oh shit, I'm taking a cab back to the hotel!

Chris Pontius: Right, let's zap my nuts.

April Margera: Why would you burn him in the first place, Dunn?
Ryan Dunn: 'Cause it was funny...

Chris Pontius: I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie.

Johnny Knoxville: It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud.

Johnny Knoxville: If your asshole can't see the camera, the camera can't see your asshole.

Steve-O: So, is there any, like, real reason why someone would stick something like that in his ass?
Medic: No.

Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon!

Bam Margera: Please God, don't let there be a Jackass 3!

Johnny Knoxville: That long hair don't cover up your red neck.

Wee Man: What are thinking about, Preston?
Preston Lacy: I wish all of that water was gravy and all those cars were giant biscuits.
Wee Man: Are you hungry?
Preston Lacy: I was just saying...

Chris Pontius: Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge.

Chris Pontius: That was fun. Let's never do that again.

Ryan Dunn: [as Knoxville climbs on a giant rocket] This isn’t the best idea.
Bam Margera: Yes, it is...

Johnny Knoxville: Go grab the dead kitty! [as Steve-O climbs out of a river of sewage] You're not going to save the kitty?

Johnny Knoxville: You crying?
Bam Margera: Yeah!

Bam Margera: You gave me a hologram dick! There's three solid dicks, there's one half-assed one right here, and then you gave me a set of balls.
Johnny Knoxville: But a sweet set of balls!

Ryan Dunn: Ooh, my hip! I think I just gave birth!

Wee Man: There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?

Bam Margera: If Knoxville goes through with this, I'll French kiss him.

Steve-O: I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. Yes!

Ryan Dunn: [after being shot] Son of a... Fuck you!

Chris Pontius: [in devil costume] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Let Charlie Daniels write a song about this! God is out! He can have the other 48 or 49... Whatever...

Chris Pontius: That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense.